Soft

In talking with a cherished friend today, he suggested that one of our (many) problems in modern day America is “that we’re too, and perhaps this isn’t the right word, ‘soft.’” This point of view was made in the context of our difficulty in accepting some harsher realities of the culture in which we live. By contrast, other cultures are more matter-of-fact about the reality that there are people who do bad things, and it’s wise to prepare people for the likely eventualities (rather than hide your head in the sand and wish it were different).

One of the (many) reasons I cherish this friend is that his provocations always get me thinking, turning ideas over in my mind, and I inevitably reflect on our conversations long after de-activating the AirPods. (I suppose it’s time to retire the phrase “hang up” the phone, but ‘pressing end call’ lacks visceral satisfaction. Do you have any better alternatives? If so, call me.)

Are we too soft? My first inclination is this isn’t really about softness. We’re conditioned to find the quick, easy fix (there’s a pill for that, there’s an app for that); there’s a ready-made answer at our fingertips (that’s what google is for…). Having the quick solve means we’re not in a place of curiosity for any significant stretch of time. If we find ourselves with a question, the seed of wonder rarely has space to incubate. Sometimes I find myself wondering things out loud that can easily be answered by the powers of the Internet, and whoever I’m with will say, ‘you realize that you can just look that up?’ I know that I can, but I don’t always want to - or at least not right away.

As I see it, the downside, and danger, of habitually not resting in a state of wonder means we rob ourselves and each other the opportunity to consider what’s underlying our actions, behaviors, and beliefs. On a person-to-person level, this casts those with a different set of beliefs as ‘other’ (which usually means ‘wrong’). At scale, this rocks us into complacency to accept the absurd as normal.

So maybe a root of our problems is that we are now wired to seek the fastest, easiest way out of any predicament (pill/app/google). But paradoxically, we also make life far harder than it needs to be. Ram Dass, I think, said something like, the sun rises, the sun sets, and we over-complicate everything in between. (Or something to that effect. Ironically, when I went to google it, the Internet insists this quote belongs to former running back Arian Foster. Hmmmm.) So here’s where I got to: we seek the quick easy fix to our problems, many of which are (man-)made to be more difficult than they ever needed to be in the first place.

But I understand the point. I think it’s a yes, and.

But. Here’s the other thing. “Soft.” What does that word really mean here? Soft is contextual. It might mean gentle, non-abrasive, yielding, compassionate. If we took up the qualities of its opposite — hard (tough, rigid, solid, inflexible) — where does that get us?

So maybe the answer is that we’re not soft enough. But, kindly remind me. What was the question? I’ve let the wonder drift on for too long. I should have googled it right away ….